A Darker Side

I actually had a pretty rough week last week, I'm not gonna lie. It was partially the uber depressing Vancouver winter weather getting to me a little - so gloomy, dreary and wet, and worse, the almost constant darkness, but I also had another issue. It's kinda personal and maybe weird to talk about here, so I'm not gonna go into any details but it's something I've been dealing with for many, many years and is very frustrating for me, because no matter what I attempt to do, I cannot seem to remedy it. For a long time I've been of the mindset that if you don't like something about yourself or your life, fix it! If you cannot change the situation, change how you view it, how you treat it and react to it, and often the situation will change, or you will be able to change it a bit further down the road when you're ready for it, when it's meant to be changed, because you'd learned what you needed to learn from it. You have the power, the control and the ability to alter and improve your life. YOU. Not me. Not your parents/siblings/boyfriend/husband/friends. You. Believing in this simple but compelling truth has enabled me to overcome much diversity in my life. It all changed from there. Once I KNEW I was in control of my own destiny, and I acknowledged that and truly felt it in my bones, it set me free in a way. I could no longer make excuses about the past, or use it as a crutch or scapegoat for the future. I couldn't just sit on the floor and wallow in it, raging at God and the world, thinking Why Me? I could have easily ended up in a different place - a dark, angry one. Hell sometimes I wonder how I didn't.

I'm reminded of this Oprah episode I saw, eons ago, like mid-eighties maybe, where she went to a prison to interview a group of women who were incarcerated for committing horrible crimes. She sat in a room and calmly listened as they told stories of how they murdered their children. One woman systematically drowned each of her 4 children in the bathtub, and spoke in detail about how she held each one's head underwater until they stopped struggling and their was no breath left in their tiny bodies. I shudder at the thought of it. Anyway, the thing that stood out and that I will always remember is when one of the ladies looked up at Oprah and through her tears she asked "'Don't you hate us?" Oprah responded something to the effect of "'No. I don't hate you. I see that is what you have done with your pain. I do something different with mine." That was a wow moment for me. You can take your suffering and bury it deep inside you and hope that it stays hidden. Or you can expose it to the surface, raw and messy and real, forcing yourself to deal with it despite how horrible and agonizing it might be, and try to use it to help others. Pain can turn into something positive, if you let it.

For whatever reason, I'm glad the universe smacked me upside the head. Life is about choices. Every SINGLE day of your life, you are faced with choices. They may seem small and insignificant but each one molds and shapes your future. It's a culmination of all of these choices that you make, fleeting ones, ones that you don't give much thought to, like whether or not to eat a second piece of chocolate cake, or to stay on the couch instead of getting up and going to the gym, that make you YOU. No matter how inconsequential each decision appears, they are sending you down a path toward the future you. I hear it all the time from clients or friends: I can't believe I gained all this weight. I just woke up one day 20 (or 30, or 50 or even 100) lbs heavier. Life can sneak up on you like that, if you don't live in the moment. Wake up. Don't walk through your life with your eyes closed.

It's actually quite common, my incredibly discouraging and seemingly unavoidable health concern, but that doesn't really comfort me much. The worst part about it is that I feel like I do everything right in my attempt to sidestep it. I follow every single protocol and take every precaution to prevent getting it from happening again, yet it returns, over and over. This has been my experience as I said, from a very young age and in the beginning, for many years even, I just dealt with it. I avoided taking any medication at all costs and still prefer natual and herbal remedies. Maybe I'm just a bit of a Tom Cruise Cuckoo in a way - believing that diet and exercise can heal anything. Well, I don't anymore. Sometimes you need to take medication and it's a fricken wonderful thing that we live in a world where we have this option available to us, although I definitely do still believe we live in an overmedicated society. Most people use drugs as a quick fix instead of getting to the root of the problem and exhausting any and all other possible options first. The whole "Band Aid on a Broken Leg" quote I'm so fond of. Diet pills, laxatives, weight loss supplements, "miracles" in a bottle - they make me lose my mind. Utter garbage. If it was that easy, we'd all be the perfect size, no?

This time around I suffered for about a week before I gave in and filled a prescription. Throughout the week, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort, but I tried to fight it. I know that sometimes your body can and will heal itself naturally, and it has before in this situation. But this time, I just couldn't seem to boot it. I got into a bit of a funk, didn't go to the gym for a week, and sure enough, started eating junk food again. The weather was just so damn crappy and I was hurtin' and I just couldn't get up off the couch, literally. I felt so cold, sad and at the peak of the madness, I was so miserable I just curled up into a ball and cried. That was after I had given in to taking meds (but before they kicked in). I'm not totally sadistic :) My girlfriend called me and noticed something was up. "Are you crying?", she asked, sounding so shocked. Yeah. I cry. Get over it. My pretend tough guy gig was up. She lent me her ear while I whimpered and moaned about how pathetic I was, while she just listened and gave me words of encouragement, reaffirming all of the things I already new. "Oh just wait, as soon as you are better you will be back in the gym in no time and you will be better than ever". Sometimes it's really nice to hear those things. It wasn't even the gym-skipping or eating bad that bothered me, it was the fact that I just cannot conquer this issue that I have. How do you deal with health concerns that keep derailing your progress? I wish I had the magic answer. What I do is rest, pamper myself, indulge a little, and then get my nose back to the grind, as soon as I'm physically able, because one day, I won't be.

It got me thinking: the pain of having a temporary illness can be extremely debilitating, but you know what scares me even more? The thought of having a disease or sickness that might not go away, in a few days or weeks or even years; instead what if it got worse, draining your energy so much that you wouldn't be able to get up or go to the gym, even if you wanted to. I mean to choose is one thing, but imagine having that choice taken away from you? Like the way you feel after you make a stupid mistake or have a careless accident and you scream "Nooooo...noo...wait, God, if I could only back there and change that? Why wasn't I more careful?" You forget to check your blind spot and in a split second you've made a life altering move.

As we age, our bodies change so much. Aches and pains we never knew existed slowly become part of daily life. We used to roll our eyes at our parents or elders complaining about their ailments, but now maybe those same ailments are starting to become a little more familiar to us. Age creeps up on us and one day, all of a sudden there we are, either a sum of all of those poor choices we've made, or still feeling pretty good about ourselves. What if you wait until you are no longer able to make those choices? Do you want to wait until something takes away your chance to choose? Imagine the regret, the anger, the fury you will feel at yourself for not doing it when you were able. You cannot turn back time. You cannot choose to be healthy if you don't choose all along to eat the right foods and exercise regularly. Illness will choose you.

"There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it is easy."

Listen All Y'All it's a Sabotage

Great Beastie Boys tune, I must say. However, on with it shall we...

I've come to a realization that most people have a tendency, be it knowingly or otherwise, to sabotage any and all progress they make toward achieving a healthier, stronger and fitter body. I've previously mentioned my rollercoaster relationship with exercise and the ally who drags me out of the funk, but exactly why does FitAddicted Kelly pull the chute every so often, abandon her lifestyle of wellness and spiral back into the lethargic depths of despair? Do I have some type of mental block? Fear of living up to my full potential? Maybe I don't feel good enough? Like I deserve it? For whatever reason, out of nowhere an angry, egotistical beast shoves its way onto the scene and stomps its feet like a spoiled toddler, announcing that I AM NOT GOING TO THE GYM TODAY. NO. I JUST DON'T WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. Wow. Ok.

I'd putt-putt along for a few months, doing well and staying on track - faithfully following every workout and using every tool that I had to ensure success - setting goals, keeping track of my progress, noting my diet struggles and celebrating my victory in triumphing each one. And BAM! Blindsided. This backstabbing imp would suddenly appear out of nowhere, kick me in the ass, knock me down on the ground and force feed me Costco poutine and hot dogs for a week straight. Sometimes he'd stick around longer, refusing to change out of his pajamas, eating brownies and ice cream for breakfast and sulking into a sinkhole on the couch. Yes, it's a he, this evil succubus. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it feels so completely foreign to me - I cannot relate to it and it's stubborn as an old ass mule. No matter what I say or do, he stays until he's good and ready to leave. Reminds me of one of my old boyfriends.

I tried to stay on guard, looking for a pattern - maybe he would appear around a certain time of the month and if he did, dammit I would be ready for him. But no...he crept up behind me, stealthily and swiftly and proceeded to demolish everything I had spent months creating, working hard for, but I just couldn't stop him! No rhyme nor reason could convince him to even look in the direction of a vegetable, and he would not darken the door of the gym. He laughed maniacally when I suggested going for a run and told me I was stupid and wasting my time. Feeling helpless, confused and angry at myself, I'd continue on a downward slope until BAM! He was gone. I wanted to exercise again, and eat the right foods. I didn't have to sleep with my gym clothes on in the hopes that i would actually workout the next day (not a chance in hell when that rascal was around). Plus I felt like utter poo from a week or month or three of poisioning myself. I guess he had his fill. Sucked up all the good out of me and moved on unconcerned. I'd then shamefully pick up my pride, throw on some baggy sweats and head out to the gym to try to undo the havoc he had wreaked.

I recently spend the day with an old friend; her and I go back many years, even went to nursery school together and were thick as thieves for most of our childhood. This wonderful woman is now a busy working mom of twins who, like most moms, puts her children's needs before her own and wants to spend every waking moment that she is not at work with her young family. She has struggled with many health issues including her weight, for a long time. She was a bit chubby in her teens, and gradually gained more weight throughout high school and even more so with her pregnancy. Unfortunately, she has never really done much exercise at all and she loves to eat a lot of the foods that aren't so good for you. Who doesn't right? I wanted to spend a few hours with her going over her diet and try to help her find ways to make small changes that she will stick to; drastic changes rarely work and most often leave a person worse off than when they started. This friend, also 31 years old, was starting to have many health issues as a result of her life choices - she had high blood pressure, was pre-diabetic and had a few other concerns that I believe are manifestations (in my opinion, 95% of your health issues or lack thereof are a direct result of your diet). She tried lap band surgery, which is an adjustable gastric banding or lap-band which is tightened around your stomach so that it apparently retrains you to eat in smaller portions, thus enabling you to lose weight. Their website states "Obesity isn't your fault". However after well over ten thousand dollars, a few surgeries and many complications later, she was back to where she started. Sure she had lost a lot of weight during the time she had it on, but mostly because she could barely eat, drank most of her meals in liquid form and what she did eat, she threw up. I painstakingly tried to explain to her that this type of thing is putting a band-aid on a broken leg - it's just not a permanent fix for a serious problem. At the same time I kind of understood - she was desperate.

We talked more and more, and she seemed to be taking my suggestions seriously, writing them down and saying either "Ok, I can do that'' or ''HA are you kidding me? Never''. Fair enough, I said. I just want to help. I went through her fridge, commenting on certain choices and recommending other, healthier versions when possible. She was listening and nodding her head, even taking notes and writing down key details of what to look for . We even tried to find ways to incorporate a bit of exercise into her routine, but that was an uphill battle for the moment, although it does look promising in the future (You better buy that damn treadmill woman or I'm gonna chase you to and from work everyday with a broomstick!) It was coming to near the end of the day when she looked at me and stated matter-of-factly ''Ok. I will do this for a month or so, and then I will give it all up and go back to the way I was."

I almost cried. ''What? What do you mean? Noooo. These are lifestyle changes. This is for the rest of your life! It will be easy! Small, gradual changes - 2% to 1% milk, start eating breakfast, drink more water etc.'' She looked at me and said ''Kelly, I know myself. This is the way it's always been. I'll do it in the beginning, and then I will stop." I knew she was convinced 100% that she would fail. And I knew she would fail because of it. I really felt so sad inside. I probed and poked, asking questions and trying to find out why the same way I did to myself - did she not love herself enough? Believe in herself? Want to succeed for her children? I could tell by looking in her eyes that she didn't believe she could ever lose the weight and keep it off, or come off of blood pressure meds, or feel the amazing way you feel when you're fit and healthy - alert, clear-headed, energetic and exuberant. She had given up on herself before we even started. That little troll had found a new host, inside of my friend. And it looked like he was pretty damn comfortable there.

We all have our obstacles, believe you me. Your number one obstacle exists inside your head. If you cannot conquer that to truly believe you deserve better and are worthy of accomplishing your dreams, then I'm afraid you never will. And that breaks my heart.

I almost stopped there, but I don't even want to end my blog entry like this. I want to run screaming up and down the streets, hollering from the mountain tops :

IF YOU BELIEVE IT, YOU CAN AND WILL ACHIEVE IT! DON'T LET HIM WIN. FIGHT. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

The only thing keeping you from achieving your goals is YOU! Confide in a friend for support, find a workout partner who has similar goals, read a book that will inspire you, buy new clothes in smaller sizes, hang pictures of your previous fitter self on the fridge for inspiration, recruit your family members and tell them you need them to help you GET REAL and support you. Call me! I'll talk to you until I'm blue in the face. I care so much it hurts. Fall off the horse but DAMMIT get back on! It's only too late when your dead, so until then, please, please. Don't give up.