Ohh December

You are the bane of my existance. Ok not really. It's more like a love/hate relationship. Every year at this time, work slooooooows down, the temperature drops and as it gets colder, I start to crave all of those comfort foods and dream of spending my days curled up on the couch in hibernation. This year is no exception. It's really hard for me to get motivated to workout regularly this month, let alone eat super healthy - there's so much temptation all around. The average weight gain over the holidays is 2-3lbs. The average weight gain per year for adults over age 30 is 2lbs. Coincidence? I think not. Most people who put weight on in December do not take it off in the New Year (as they may tell themselves) or at all; instead they carry it over to the next Christmas, then gain more and the cycle repeats itself. Obviously this adds up to significant weight gain as time goes on, and it sneaks up on you when you're "too busy" enjoying life or too distracted with all of the celebration. For this reason alone it is really important to be aware and pro-active in avoiding packing on those extra pounds. If I'm struggling, I can only imagine that all of you are feeling the same. The best battles are fought by those who are prepared. Here are a few of the things I've been doing just to stay on track during the holiday season:

1. Make a big fat pot of chili (or homemade soup) MMmm. Nothing makes me feel more nourished and satisfied than coming in from the cold and eating a nice bowl of piping hot, homemade chili. Extra lean ground beef (skip or add tofu if you're a vegetarian ), kidney beans, black beans, garbanzo beans (aka chickpeas), TONS of onion and garlic and all the most beautiful, colorful veggies you can find, sauteéd in olive oil. Add a few cans of crushed tomatoes and a bit of tomato paste chock full of vitamins and lycopene (which is a powerful antioxidant found in red and orange veggies when they're cooked) and whatever fresh herbs and spices you can think of. I like parsley, oregano, dried guajillo peppers, chili powder and whatever else I have on hand that looks interesting. Roast a head of garlic smothered in olive oil to use as a spread for toast, sprinkle in parmesan and you have a meal that will warm you from the inside out.

2. Allow yourself a break from your typical routine. Instead of going to the gym, get outside! Walk around to see all the Christmas lights and decorations in your neighbourhood. Have a snowball fight (if you have no snow, as we don't yet in Vancouver, play tag. Be a kid! Playing will keep you young. Who cares what people think). Go sledding or skiing or snowboarding. Try skating or cross country skiing. It's so rejuvinating being outside in the cold, fresh air. Make sure you dress for it though. This is always a challenge for me, which leads me to my next point.

3. Layers! I've always had trouble with the weather in the winter; being of such small stature and low body fat doesn't help - I know, cry me a river right? But this year I've really been dressing for it. Long johns, leggings, (I LOVE LEGWARMERS), 2 or 3 long sweaters or cardigans topped with hoodies and a vest, scarves, a few cute winter hats and a couple pair of gloves /mittens. Investing in cute and cozy winter clothes has made winter a whole lot more tolerable, which allows me to get outside more and actually enjoy it. I remember growing up, leaving for school in the morning wearing my leather or jean jacket unzipped, no hat/mitts/scarf or anything of the sort and having wet hair that would freeze solid as I waited for the bus. All in -20 degrees celcius and below. Man I am so glad I'm not cool anymore.

4. Remember the 80/20 rule. If you're doing great the rest of the year, maybe you deserve to take a bit of slacker time. Eat a few of your favorite Christmas goodies, or have the hot chocolate with extra whip cream. You're going to burn more calories if you're outside anyway. Just be careful not to overdo it. As long as you stay somewhat active, indulging over the holidays will barely make a dent in your physique, provided that you don't let things get too out of hand. Filling up on veggies, drinking water and trying to move at least an hour per day should be staples in your life, and if they are, you've got a solid foundation. With January 1st just around the corner, I'm sure you'll be re-committing to your health after this little break is over, right? This shouldn't give you an excuse to do a lot of damage, oh no, but rather a chance to rejuvinate a little and get mentally prepared and excited about getting back on track, even stronger.

5. Little tricks. There are so many minor things you can do that all add up to major success. They're relatively simple and don't deserve their own paragraphs, but if you can pick a few or do them all, you're well on your way to surviving the holidaze without a 10 lb weight gain:

- Drink water. Hee hee. No really. For every beer/glass of wine/liquor you have, have one glass of water to rehydrate.

- Eat slowly. Put down your fork between bites. Chew thoroughly. Fill up on veggies.

- Eat before parties. Avoid eating while standing up. Avoid mindless grazing at the food table. Bring your own healthy dish or a party plate of veggies for snacks. Carry your own healthy snacks in your purse.

- DO NOT "save up" on calories. If you skip a meal so that you can indulge later, you will gain weight. I know too many people that don't eat all day so they can go out for dinner and eat for 3. Your body thinks you are starving and will store whatever calories you consume as fat. If you're eating late at night, you're probably drinking too and your defenses are down. Try to stay in control. If you overdo it, eat clean the next day and get right back on track. DON'T STARVE YOURSELF. It has the opposite affect.

-If you have to eat on the run, try Subway or Pita Pit (or whatever similar where you are). There are healthy options out there that are satisfying. Avoid the bad ones in the food court when you're shopping...you know, the ones they're always giving out free samples of. Mmmm General Tso's deep fried chicken ears. Tasty going down, but they keep coming back up. Heartburn anyone?

-Dress up. If you wear your nice clothes (that are slim fitting) you will be less likely to overeat than if you lounge around in your pjs. Step away from the fat pants!

-Instead of buying expensive chocolates, gourmet junk food or bottles of wine for your loved ones, try a yoga mat, water bottle, combination lock, Lulu Lemon gift certificate, gym bag, 10 sessions with a Personal Trainer, workout DVDS such as Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred, a gym membership or a Wii Fit. Encourage health.

Happy Holidays to you all! Be good and greatful for your blessings. You have SO many.

A Darker Side

I actually had a pretty rough week last week, I'm not gonna lie. It was partially the uber depressing Vancouver winter weather getting to me a little - so gloomy, dreary and wet, and worse, the almost constant darkness, but I also had another issue. It's kinda personal and maybe weird to talk about here, so I'm not gonna go into any details but it's something I've been dealing with for many, many years and is very frustrating for me, because no matter what I attempt to do, I cannot seem to remedy it. For a long time I've been of the mindset that if you don't like something about yourself or your life, fix it! If you cannot change the situation, change how you view it, how you treat it and react to it, and often the situation will change, or you will be able to change it a bit further down the road when you're ready for it, when it's meant to be changed, because you'd learned what you needed to learn from it. You have the power, the control and the ability to alter and improve your life. YOU. Not me. Not your parents/siblings/boyfriend/husband/friends. You. Believing in this simple but compelling truth has enabled me to overcome much diversity in my life. It all changed from there. Once I KNEW I was in control of my own destiny, and I acknowledged that and truly felt it in my bones, it set me free in a way. I could no longer make excuses about the past, or use it as a crutch or scapegoat for the future. I couldn't just sit on the floor and wallow in it, raging at God and the world, thinking Why Me? I could have easily ended up in a different place - a dark, angry one. Hell sometimes I wonder how I didn't.

I'm reminded of this Oprah episode I saw, eons ago, like mid-eighties maybe, where she went to a prison to interview a group of women who were incarcerated for committing horrible crimes. She sat in a room and calmly listened as they told stories of how they murdered their children. One woman systematically drowned each of her 4 children in the bathtub, and spoke in detail about how she held each one's head underwater until they stopped struggling and their was no breath left in their tiny bodies. I shudder at the thought of it. Anyway, the thing that stood out and that I will always remember is when one of the ladies looked up at Oprah and through her tears she asked "'Don't you hate us?" Oprah responded something to the effect of "'No. I don't hate you. I see that is what you have done with your pain. I do something different with mine." That was a wow moment for me. You can take your suffering and bury it deep inside you and hope that it stays hidden. Or you can expose it to the surface, raw and messy and real, forcing yourself to deal with it despite how horrible and agonizing it might be, and try to use it to help others. Pain can turn into something positive, if you let it.

For whatever reason, I'm glad the universe smacked me upside the head. Life is about choices. Every SINGLE day of your life, you are faced with choices. They may seem small and insignificant but each one molds and shapes your future. It's a culmination of all of these choices that you make, fleeting ones, ones that you don't give much thought to, like whether or not to eat a second piece of chocolate cake, or to stay on the couch instead of getting up and going to the gym, that make you YOU. No matter how inconsequential each decision appears, they are sending you down a path toward the future you. I hear it all the time from clients or friends: I can't believe I gained all this weight. I just woke up one day 20 (or 30, or 50 or even 100) lbs heavier. Life can sneak up on you like that, if you don't live in the moment. Wake up. Don't walk through your life with your eyes closed.

It's actually quite common, my incredibly discouraging and seemingly unavoidable health concern, but that doesn't really comfort me much. The worst part about it is that I feel like I do everything right in my attempt to sidestep it. I follow every single protocol and take every precaution to prevent getting it from happening again, yet it returns, over and over. This has been my experience as I said, from a very young age and in the beginning, for many years even, I just dealt with it. I avoided taking any medication at all costs and still prefer natual and herbal remedies. Maybe I'm just a bit of a Tom Cruise Cuckoo in a way - believing that diet and exercise can heal anything. Well, I don't anymore. Sometimes you need to take medication and it's a fricken wonderful thing that we live in a world where we have this option available to us, although I definitely do still believe we live in an overmedicated society. Most people use drugs as a quick fix instead of getting to the root of the problem and exhausting any and all other possible options first. The whole "Band Aid on a Broken Leg" quote I'm so fond of. Diet pills, laxatives, weight loss supplements, "miracles" in a bottle - they make me lose my mind. Utter garbage. If it was that easy, we'd all be the perfect size, no?

This time around I suffered for about a week before I gave in and filled a prescription. Throughout the week, I was in a lot of pain and discomfort, but I tried to fight it. I know that sometimes your body can and will heal itself naturally, and it has before in this situation. But this time, I just couldn't seem to boot it. I got into a bit of a funk, didn't go to the gym for a week, and sure enough, started eating junk food again. The weather was just so damn crappy and I was hurtin' and I just couldn't get up off the couch, literally. I felt so cold, sad and at the peak of the madness, I was so miserable I just curled up into a ball and cried. That was after I had given in to taking meds (but before they kicked in). I'm not totally sadistic :) My girlfriend called me and noticed something was up. "Are you crying?", she asked, sounding so shocked. Yeah. I cry. Get over it. My pretend tough guy gig was up. She lent me her ear while I whimpered and moaned about how pathetic I was, while she just listened and gave me words of encouragement, reaffirming all of the things I already new. "Oh just wait, as soon as you are better you will be back in the gym in no time and you will be better than ever". Sometimes it's really nice to hear those things. It wasn't even the gym-skipping or eating bad that bothered me, it was the fact that I just cannot conquer this issue that I have. How do you deal with health concerns that keep derailing your progress? I wish I had the magic answer. What I do is rest, pamper myself, indulge a little, and then get my nose back to the grind, as soon as I'm physically able, because one day, I won't be.

It got me thinking: the pain of having a temporary illness can be extremely debilitating, but you know what scares me even more? The thought of having a disease or sickness that might not go away, in a few days or weeks or even years; instead what if it got worse, draining your energy so much that you wouldn't be able to get up or go to the gym, even if you wanted to. I mean to choose is one thing, but imagine having that choice taken away from you? Like the way you feel after you make a stupid mistake or have a careless accident and you scream "Nooooo...noo...wait, God, if I could only back there and change that? Why wasn't I more careful?" You forget to check your blind spot and in a split second you've made a life altering move.

As we age, our bodies change so much. Aches and pains we never knew existed slowly become part of daily life. We used to roll our eyes at our parents or elders complaining about their ailments, but now maybe those same ailments are starting to become a little more familiar to us. Age creeps up on us and one day, all of a sudden there we are, either a sum of all of those poor choices we've made, or still feeling pretty good about ourselves. What if you wait until you are no longer able to make those choices? Do you want to wait until something takes away your chance to choose? Imagine the regret, the anger, the fury you will feel at yourself for not doing it when you were able. You cannot turn back time. You cannot choose to be healthy if you don't choose all along to eat the right foods and exercise regularly. Illness will choose you.

"There are always two choices. Two paths to take. One is easy. And it's only reward is that it is easy."

Red, White and Green. Vegetables

BF and I just went to the 7-11 across the street to get some munchies (don't ask) and I got ID'd buying one of those scratch off Bingo tickets. The cashier eyed me suspiciously and when I noticed the look, I gave him my best 100 mega-watt smile in an effort to highlight my crows feet under the unforgiving florescent lights yet he still asked to see proof of my age. That's the second time I got carded in 2 weeks - the first time for taste-testing chocolate at a grocery store? Yes, weird but true. On the 30 second walk back from the store tonight, BF and I started discussing people who look their age and why and the difference between our cultures (I'm Canadian, he's Mexican) aging process and how people care, or don't care for themselves.

*Disclaimer - I do not believe I represent a typical 31 year old female, so I do not wish to make any comparisions to anyone my age. Or any age really. We're all on our own journey. I think I have pretty decent genes - my 71 year old father has a full head of black hair and is walking around quite agilely a mere 8 months after being involved in an accident which could have killed him, had he not been the bionic man. Despite 2 broken legs (one a compound fracture), fractured ribs, a crushed, fractured hand, broken nose and a very serious, shocking and hard-hitting flight 27 feet in the air which knocked him literally out of his boots and left him bleeding out in Super Sub-Zero temperatures of northern Labrador for I don't know how long, he is currently recovering and spends a few hours in the basement gym of his house every night working out. He's a pretty damn tough guy, but then again so are most of the Bobelly's. It's the Irish blood. All that potato eating, scrappin, cursin and of course beer drinking. Something like that. Lifestyle-wise, I'm not the norm for a woman my age either. I am not married, I rent out my place, I have no children and I work part-time. I spend about an hour in the gym 5-6 days a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. And my boyfriend is 7 years younger than me. So yeah. I guess I'm not your standard 31 year old. With all the time I have on my hands as a result of a lack of dependents ( I don't even have a pet) there's no doubt I have the time and energy to focus on exercising and staying fit. But will I always? I optimistically say yes.

BF asked me why did I think that women "let themselves go", and this seems slightly more common in his culture than mine, and I think that's a hard question to answer. A lot of women around my age have one or two kids, maybe more, are married, work outside of the home, and just plain don't have that much time in their lives to indulge in anything really. I think it's sad that most women think it's an "indulgence" to take time for herself; to cater to her own needs and desires as a human being, and maintain her identity as an individual. Too many moms lose themselves in their quest to be the perfect care-giver. A few of my female friends still think having a gym pass is an extravagance. Yes, it costs money, but are you not a solid investment? Personally, if I have $100 to blow and I have a choice of buying a new outfit or some high-quality, organic, fresh food, rich dark chocolate and a bottle of red wine, I know what I'm going to do with the money. Clothing styles change. A fit, happy body looks good in anything.

In Mexico, a lot of married women do not work outside the home (although in recent years this is starting to change); instead they stay at home, doing the work of many people, especially if they have children, and they usually do (although a lot less then 10-15 years ago. Today families are slightly smaller, averaging 2-3 kids as opposed to 6-7, although it varies depending on what area you live in). The average Mexican woman cooks and cleans for 7-10 people per day! Many have jobs on the side that they do from home also, like seamstress work or selling handmade goods. The Mexican mom is so used to putting everyone else before her, she wouldn't dare think about joining a gym, or taking a personal development class for fun. She eats after everyone else is fed, maybe snacking throughout the day when she is starving and gets the chance, or late at night while running around finishing up whatever she needs to get done. She's actually getting quite a bit of physical activity, which is great but is only one component of being fit. Most men work hard labour all day, which is great exercise, for those who do but some make up for it by having a few drinks at night. And kids aren't playing outside like they used to. Not all that different from many Canadian families, really. Except the diet. Mexicans consume WAY too much fast food - sugar, soda and deep-fried cheesy foods are a staple in their diet.

Mexico is a country that has struggled with economic development and corruption throughout all levels of the government. With the close proximity and influence of the United States, many Mexicans have adopted the eating habits of their northern amigos, which is having a very unfortunate affect on the country's population. And sadly because it is a poorer country, education on the harmfulness of overeating unhealthy food has not caught up with the rest of North America, nor does there seem to be much emphasis on introducing a major physical education program in order to counteract some of the effects. The young population seem to be as taken with video games and technology as American teens, and are now similarly choosing burgers and fries as inexpensive (and addictive) snacks. These are a few of the reasons why Mexico is the second fattest country in the world, only beaten by the US. I believe Canada ranks somewhere around 35th. Here are the top 5 : http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1766192/top_5_fattest_countries_in_the_world.html?cat=51

This was certaintly not the case 20-25 years ago, when Mexican people were living the natural way of life, before the crappy American diet had such an influence on them. People lived off the land they farmed and the livestock they raised. Not out of choice, but of necessity. It was inexpensive and high quality food, not pumped full of fillers; a lifestyle we could all benefit from -less processed food, more fruits and vegetables; less chemicals, additives and preservatives, more fresh, naturally prepared foods. Fruits and Vegetables = Nature's Pharmacy. You better believe it. I can't remember the last time I took drugs for anything, but I do make sure I get my 7-10 servings a day. It doesn't matter if you're fat, skinny, fit or ripped, you NEED your veggies.

Let me tell you right now folks, we have an aging population and childhood obesity is getting way out of hand. People are running around screaming about Swine Flu, yet 4 out of 5 leading causes of death in Canada are preventable and managable through diet and exercise. I have a few friends who are Emergency room nurses at various hospitals throughout Canada, and they will confirm that about 3 out of 5 patients they see every night are for any of these reasons - diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cancer etc. I know not all cancers are preventable, but I bet a huge percentage of them are! And I'm not a doctor. But I feel it coming. It may be 10 years or even 20, but we are going to have a MASSIVE crisis strewn from the impact of global obesity, irreparable cracks in society and there will be no amount of healthcare that will be able to make a difference. It's just a matter of time. As long as the world doesn't end in 2012 ;) An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Knowing all the preaching I do though, I'll likely die of at least 3 of these diseases simultaneously, while eating MacDonalds (super genes be damned) and come back in my next life as a priest. So remember: everything in moderation babies!! Just get those butts moving and shaking to unblock an artery or two, and your miles above the rest. Today's the day. Go get 'em!

Cause I'm Canadian. Eh.

It's Official - Kelly Bobelly* PTS**, NWS***

I passed Part Deux of my NWS certification, the practical exam, so I am now certified to counsel and advise on Nutrition and Wellness. YAY me. I have to admit I found the course super easy and not much of a challenge at all, probably because I've always had an interest in anything health related, but also because it was super easy and not much of a challenge at all. I'm now able to provide nutritional advice, weight management counselling, hold community and corporate wellness seminars, stress management, lifestyle consulting and overall general well-being feely-goodness. Kinda like what I attempt to do by blogging, in between off topic rants and digression.

I'm actually pretty stoked about having a few of my Personal Training clients go through the process of answering a series of questions based on three main areas of their lives. In particular Physical Activity (which, if they are already a client, I'm thoroughly well-versed in), Nutrition (which again, if they're a client I'm very well-versed in) and Holistic Health, which I talk about a little, especially if a client seems to need it. Holistic is definitely a buzzword that has attained quite a bit of popularity in recent years. I used to think it was some kind of strange, new-age, hippy word used by people who talked about their auras and chakras while consulting Miss Cleo's psychic hotline and analyzing the shade of their mood rings. But no. Holistic health is so, SO important because it is the sum of all your parts (as a whole. wHolistic. Get it? ;)) - it recognizes that ALL aspects of your needs - psychological, physical and social, should be acknowledged and that they all work together to create your internal dialogue. It's about what you think and believe and how it affects you. The Mind, Body and Soul are all connected. But you know that already, right?

During a counselling session with an NWS, the questionnaire asks specific questions related to those three subjects and has a person rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 4 - 1 being Needs Improvement, 2 = Fair, 3= Great and 4= Excellent. Personally I would have added 0 = Sucks, but they never consulted me when developing the format. Oh and trust me, I bet I'd have a few of those goose eggs in my own self-assessment, not gonna pretend I wouldn't. In reviewing the results and tallying the score, the counsellor is able to get better idea of how a person views themselves as well as to delve a bit further into what exactly their strengths and weaknesses are and what areas of their lives should be addressed, in order to feel happier, really. Then you discuss the results, consider some ways in which you can make and track changes(writing them on a calendar, keeping a food journal etc) and set a few simple goals that will get you on the right track. This helps if you have accountability issues or if you like to be...ahem, particularly vague about where you're going wrong, instead swearing up and down that you are eating clean and behaving like a saint meanwhile you order and consume large pizzas at 11pm and your ''water bottle'' in the gym is an empty 26er of tequila. You know who you are.

I don't know if it's just me, but don't you just love filling out quizzes that analyze your personality? Ok, maybe not so much now, but when I was a preteen/teenager I was OBSESSED with filling out every one I found, in magazines like Teen, Seventeen, and the now defunct YM and Sassy. I was dying to know "'Are You Too Bossy?" or "Does He Really Love You?" or "What Do Your Friends Really Think of You?" I made my friends fill them out in the hopes of answering the ever elusive question of Who Am I so that I would know if I should dress like a prep or a banger the next day. I had quite the identity crisis at the tender age of 14; I wanted so desperately to know which box I fit into. Being a gemini certainly didn't help. Unfortunately these fun questionnaires you will fill out with me will not determine whether or not you are a city girl or a beach babe and I can't really help you in persuading your crush to ask you to the prom, but I sure as hell can figure out if you need to work on your time management skills. And I can attempt to force you to eat more vegetables. C'mon. Plz. You know you wanna.****

*Bobelly is an alias. Most of you know that already

**Personal Training Specialist

***Nutrition and Wellness Specialist

****I'm not above begging. Kthxbai

Insane in the Membrane - ReTrain Your Brain

Have you ever marvelled about how your own brain works? I do it all the time. It is astounding to me the phenomenon that occurs each and every day - we wake up in the morning and begin our daily routine, often not really thinking too much about what we are doing. We tend to go on autopilot - roll out of bed, go to the bathroom, start the coffeemaker, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and head out the door. We don't really need to think about much of that as it becomes a habit we develop over time, and eventually we just go through the motions. Heck, I see BF do most of his morning ritual literally with his eyes closed. It's so funny to watch him eat his cereal while staring at the inside of his eyelids, sometimes missing his mouth with the spoon, letting milk dribble down his chin. He stumbles around half asleep, sometimes opening one eye for navigation purposes. He has it calculated down to the SECOND how long he has before he has to be out the door to make it to work on time.

We are all creatures of habit. Around 95% of the thoughts we have in our heads each day are the exact same ones we had the day before! Have you thought about how many thoughts you have in a day? (if you have, tack on one more to that number ;)) It is estimated anywhere between 2000 to 60,000, depending on many factors such as lifestyle, whether we work outside the home and if so, what our duties consist of, the roles we play (i.e: wife, mom, care-provider etc). We all know that our minds seem to be constantly running at a non-stop pace - coming up with new ideas, analyzing situations, solving problems, planning tomorrow and rehashing the past. Even while we sleep, our brains keep on partying. The subconscious mind continues concocting up random scenarios that play out as dreams and sometimes end up helping us resolve issues we didn't even know we had. Getting at least 8 hours of sleep is important for your brain, as it is during this time that your body recharges. Memories are preserved, skills are recovered and we are able to think more clearly as a result of being well rested.

Do you remember when you were a baby? Probably not, as most of our memories start at around 2 or 3 years old, or later. How about the last time you held a baby? That new baby smell of deliciousness - so clean and fresh, and that feeling you get when you hold him or her close. At some point we were all infants - sweet, soft-skinned, treasured little balls of flesh and perfection. Everyone loves babies. They make you want to just cradle them close to your body and smell their tiny little baby smell and touch their perfect wee toes and gently caress their flawless and oh-so-impeccable heads with a light brush of our fingers, almost fearing how incredibly fragile yet ethereal they feel in our arms.

That was you. You used to be that infant that somebody held tight to their chest, letting the warmth of their body and the beat of their heart comfort your tiny self. Someone had hopes and dreams for you; maybe your Mom or your Dad, or somebody in your life held you then and wanted to protect you; to keep you safe from the harshness of the world and shelter you from any negativity or pain that you would undoubtably encounter down the road, as you grew up and ventured out on your own. Whoever it was held you and let their love flow through your veins, never once thinking that your head was too big or your arms were too long, or your hair too curly. They just loved you and cherished you as you were - a perfect creation, gifted to this earth without any prerequisites or stipulations, of free mind and free will, to take this life and make with it whatever you choose.

Maybe it's been a long, long time since someone has comforted you like that. Maybe even worse, no one ever did. Or it was so long ago, and there has been so much pain since that you've forgotten what it feels like to be embraced and valued for the amazingly unique and astoundingly exquisite being you are. I am so sorry if you didn't feel that enough. We all need a feeling of love and belongingness to foster in this world. We all need to be encouraged and cheered for. If there is nobody else around you now, can you be your own cheerleader? The answer is Yes. YOU can be that person for yourself. YOU can treat yourself this way, love yourself unconditionally, regardless of whether or not your thighs are fat or your stomach sticks out. You are still worthy of LOVE.

At what point in this journey do we buy into it - that what we look like determines who we are? We come into this world a clean slate, innocent and pure, oblivious to the cynicism that taints those who've allowed it. Yet at some point, someone comes along and writes on the slate of who you are (as Dr. Phil would say. Haha), making some flippant comment that is unwanted and unwelcome and it completely alters the way you look at yourself. I remember in grade school being made fun of for having ''UpsideDown Glasses'' -(such a brilliant yet subtle nickname. I now laugh out loud at it). I had glasses, braces, acne and I was as skinny as a rail. Yet before anyone pointed out any of these facts, I was quite happy in my oblivion, not recognizing that OMG I am so ugly and nobody will love me because I don't look like those girls in YM magazine. Yet once you "know", it forever changes you - you now feel limited, as if you have to change your own personality and live confined within these limitations. UpsideDown Glasses would never wear a dress, or go to a prom, or try to be beautiful, because the fact is, she's just not and everyone knows it so it's best to just accept it. Oh how I detest the way media twists and warps the minds of our young people and leaves them with a lifelong uphill battle to undo this mind programming.

On behalf of the beautiful, innocent infants I would like to say HOW DARE YOU? How dare you stop cherishing me and loving me? Why did you stop believing in me and accepting me for how I was? Instead you chose to start tell me how fat and ugly and disgusting I am. Why do you kick me when I'm down? What did I do so wrong? Not only do I have to tolerate the whole world judging me, I cannot even turn inward for peace. MY OWN MIND berates me and reminds me constantly how I don't look good in a bikini and I'll never get rid of that cellulite. I'm worthless. Fat. Stupid. Useless. Loser :(

What does this have to do with fitness? About as much as cutting yourself has to do with bleeding. If you want to make changes in your life toward getting healthier and living stronger, this crap has got to stop. AND I MEAN NOW. Each hurtful word is shredding your insides. Each negative thought is crippling your self esteem. It makes me so angry I can barely breathe. I'm surrounded by gorgeous, intelligent, amazing people who just can't seem to quit it with the self-criticism and hatred. That's what it is. Self-hatred. It's also a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you tell yourself you suck and you can't do something because of whatever excuse you give yourself, then you are right! The voices win. You lose. You cannot do it because you keep telling yourself you can't. It is destroying you and devaluing you to the core of your existance and you can't let it! Ok, enough about the problem because I can feel my blood pressure starting to rise. Let's get on with the solution.

You can reprogram your brain. Write out a list of positive affirmations, print them out and read them daily. Do not allow any more putrid spewing of venom to penetrate your soul. Tell yourself what you love about yourself. Refuse to partake in any more suffering. If you have trouble with this, start out with "In the past, I was....(unhealthy, tired, sickly. NOT fat, disgusting, or anything cruel). Now, I am making small changes to fix this and I am satisfied that I am doing the best of my ability to improve and better my life." It is crucial to avoid saying things like "I don't want to be fat. I wish I wasn't so lazy'' etc etc. Why? Because the brain doesn't notice the negative part. All it hears and processes is ''I want to be fat. I am lazy". Don't believe me? OK, right now, DO NOT imagine a big, juicy chocolate cake with creamy icing so rich you could pay your bills with it. I said DO NOT. I hope you're not picturing it. Do you get what I'm saying?

Here are a few examples of affirmations:

-I am a unique and precious human being, always doing the best I can and always growing in -wisdom and love.

-I do not need to prove myself to anyone, not even myself, for I know who I am. I am perfectly fine as I am.

-I make my own decisions and assume responsibility for any mistakes. However, I refuse to feel shame or guilt about them. I do the best I can. That is 100% good enough.

-Whenever I am tempted to punish myself, I remember to be kind and gentle instead. I know that in order to be the best I can be, I need forgiveness and understanding.

Ask your best friend, a family member or loved one to write a paragraph of the things they love and admire about you. Do it for them as well. Exchange them and add them to your affirmation sheet. Recite them out loud and keep them in a place you will see them to remind you of what you need to be focusing on. Because if you're gonna think something 10,000 times a day, let's at least make it useful, no?

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny"

Here is a paragraph I wrote for one of my girlfriends a while back:

I am a strong and beautiful woman, even on days when I don't feel I am either. I am intelligent, unique and have many great qualities that attract people to me. Others appreciate me for what I have to offer. I am a good listener, a bright, quick-witted conversationalist, and am often the life of the party. I have a great sense of humor and I am dependable, honest and loyal. I am a great friend. I am a wonderful girlfriend. I am an excellent daughter and sister. I have struggled in my life but I have always overcome obstacles because I refuse to give up. I want to grow, to learn and to achieve success, however I define that, not how others define it for me. I have come a long way and I am consistently becoming a stronger, better person. I know I will be happy because I deserve to be happy.

What can you come up with?

Where I'm at

This past weekend I attended the Can Fit Pro (Canadian Fitness Professionals) 2009 conference in Richmond, BC. I actually got up at 7 am, packed my huge purple lunchbox (which is more like a lunchcylinder) full of goodness and I spent the entire weekend at the hotel where the conference was being held, from 9am until 6pm on Saturday and then 9am until 4:30 on Sunday, and I registered for every time slot available. The cool thing about the conference is that anyone can attend! You don't have to be a Personal Trainer, or Group Instructor or whatever; if you have a passion or an interest in fitness you can sign up, which is great. You do have to pay though ;)

By the end of it all I was feeling a bit tired yet delightfully stimulated. I had learned SO MUCH and had the chance to interact with a ton of ladies from all walks of life who share my passion, and since we usually had about 45 mins to 1 hour off between workshops, we had time to chat, walk around, wait in line for 30 minutes at the hotel Starbucks just for tea and check out the trade show which showcased a lot of industry related material - everything from CDs with all types of music to get you pumped, to Bosu/Swiss balls, bands, weights, rollers, weights and protein bars, to name a few things. I was in heaven.

There is quite a bit of information crammed into each session, which runs about an hour to an hour and a half, and I tried to sign up for a wide variety of presenters and topics, to not only broaden and diversify my own knowledge, but to see how each niche viewed the other. I had also heard of a few presenters by reputation and was very interested in seeing them myself. I was pretty intent on getting my moneys worth, and I also wanted to accumulate as many credits as possible (I need 4 per year to ensure I recertify as a Personal Trainer, which I easily aquired in the first day), so I didn't really care if it left my brain feeling a tad fried by the end. The many presenters, each with their own specific lecture theme and style and the obvious differences in everyone's idea of what works best for them was wonderful, and a testament to the fact that there is not only one way to get fit and to stay fit nor definition of what fit is. Many ladies appeared to be in their fifties and sixties, others had quite a bit of extra weight and almost all more looked like regular, everyday women - moms, employees, bosses, wives, they all showed up and took an active role in their own lives, and were interested in taking care of themselves in order to be a better person for the people around them. (Side note - there were actually men there too, but not a whole lot. I sat next to Tommy Europe during one session, whom you may know from "Last Ten Pounds Bootcamp" or "Bulging Brides".)

On Sunday night when I got home, BF asked me how the conference was and I said "Great, I learned a lot. I really really liked it actually." Being the astute observer he is, he sat on the couch next to me, looked me in the eyes and replied "Really? Tell me about it". I responded ''Do you really want to know?"' and before letting him finish I grabbed my notebook and pen and proceeded to give him a 2 hour run through of the whole thing - what I learned, what I liked, what I didn't like and what I loved. Bless his heart, he was so interested. He smiled and nodded at me, maybe noticing the excitement in my eyes as I enlightened him with all of my newfound knowledge. A couple of times I stopped throughout to ask if I was boring him, but I knew I wasn't (or if I was, he would have the class enough to never let me see it, which would be a feat as I am equally observant). He listened and got almost as excited as me! The best part was not only that I felt like I really cemented what I had learned on the weekend by ''teaching'' it to someone else, but also that I am lucky enough to have such an amazing person in my life that cares so much about me and what I have to say. For that, I am beyond greatful.

I bet you're dying to know what I learned. At least I hope you are. You probably don't care at all, you're just humoring me, but hey, at least I'll never know since I can't see the deception on your faces. I have studied and read about all things fitness and health related for many years; when I was a young teen my father subscribed to Flex Magazine and MuscleMag International and I read them for years the way my friends watched Young and the Restless. I thought Dorian Yates seemed like such nice guy and Mike Mentzer's HIT Training was insane. Ronnie Coleman and Vicky Gates made a great couple and wow, Craig Titus is such an arrogant ass, someone needs to give him an atomic drop. Instead of Cosmo or Glamour, I read Oxygen. I've always kept in the loop about what's cutting edge in the industry, what works and what doesn't, how to do certain exercises properly etc. It's interesting and fun for me, the way some people like gardening or watching football. This weekend added to my repertoire of knowledge and taught me enough to change the way I view certain things. And I will share all this with you, in doses. I hope you tune in to listen.

If you have any questions, send them to me and I'll try to answer in an upcoming blog, or in a personal email to you.

Food is Your Frenemy

For the first time ever, I managed to make it through Halloween without eating any candy. For me that is a HUGE accomplishment. I guess it helps that I live in a security building with virtually no children so I didn't actually have to buy any. I imagine it would be 6 billion times more difficult otherwise. As a matter of fact I've been *clean* for 5 weeks and 2.5 days, and I've never felt better. Unfortunately unlike most addicts who struggle with alcohol, drugs or gambling, my addiction is one that is constantly in my face. It is readily available on every street corner, jumps out at me from the pages of magazines and inevitably flashes repeatedly during television programs and even worse, when I'm doing cardio at the gym, stuck on a machine sans remote control and no option but to look at my feet or close my eyes . There are few things more frustrating that trying to finish up those last 20 minutes on the elliptical and being forced to endure constant Dairy Queen commericals showcasing their latest sinful indulgence. Food is obviously something we have to consume and manage on a daily basis, and making the right choices calls for careful calculation, balance and extreme planning. But how do we deal with, or manage to avoid junk food?

Yessir I am a reformed junkie. On Tuesday, September 29th 2009, I made a conscious decision to change my unhealthy eating once and for all, and I gave my life a real overhaul. It had been a looooooong time a comin'. Since that day, I've consumed more vegetables than probably in my entire life combined (sadly I am not joking), cut out virtually all processed foods with artificial or chemical additives, dropkicked sugar and knocked out refined flour. Has it been easy? Hell-to-the-NO. Am I determined? I'd have to say yes, finally. I'm proud to say yes.

I don't want to give the impression that I've been perfect - I have allowed myself a small, weekly treat, which was rather terrifying at first and it took a LOT of coaching and internal dialogue to limit my treat to JUST ONE, not 3 or 6 or the whole large bag of Salt n Vinegar chips. (Damn you Lays. You are so right) Ohhh no. Those days are over. I'm in charge now. I've worked tirelessly through my self-sabotage, dug deep to understand my food attachments, analyzed and over-analyzed my tendancy to gorge and learned to exhibit extreme self-control simply by revelling in and valuing each indulgence and not letting it turn into a gong show. So before y'all just roll your eyes at this skinny be@tch, let me make it clear - it's not a cake walk, it sure as hell ain't because I don't *like* the taste of cupcakes and yes, genetics may have played a small part in the past, but since I've turned 30, it's a different ball game. Off topic but did anyone else notice I mentioned cake twice in that sentence? Mmmm caaake.

OK so, how do I do it? That's what you want to know right? That's what I always wanted to know, before I actually started to do it, and it's probably my most commonly asked question by acquaintances - how do you say no? You bring your own chopped up veggies to a party so you don't have to eat the chips and salsa? What are you some kind of fruitcake? (had to fit cake in again somehow). Yes. I do that. I also make my own healthy pizzas while all my friends go to Romanos for the meaty-cheese-cream-carb-loaded bonanza. I snack on fruit while my boyfriend eats Fudgesicles. DAILY. And I'm actually starting to get excited about my favorite health foods. Food tastes better to me, real food! I'm delighting in the flavors and savoring smaller portions, not feeling as if I need to cram them in lest someone come along and steal them from me. I can't wait to buy hummus, or to eat juicy canned salmon on a pita with red onion. These foods make me happy, and therefore enable me to eat healthy without feeling like I am deprived. Until you find your foods, you may not be able to do it. Maybe you'll just ride the ol' diet rollercoaster for a while, drifting from deprivation to devouring, until finally, you've just plain had enough.

Low-fat, low calorie food DOES NOT always equal healthy, especially if it's crammed with artificial sweetners, preservatives and chemical additives. What you want to stock up on are CLEAN foods - foods in their natural state, grown from the earth, unaltered by man. Try to choose these type of foods when grocery shopping. The following are a few ways I pay tribute to one of my favorite mantras - SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS.

1. After you buy your groceries, spend the time to wash, chop and prepare fruits, veggies and other go-to snacks (like boiled eggs or cooked shrimp) and store them in tupperware containers in your fridge. Having bite-sized bell peppers, cukes, carrots and broccoli will give you something to munch on while your cooking dinner or if you're feeling restless or bored and prone to snacking in the evening. I also keep fruit such as watermelon, strawberries and grapes in containers for a quick sweet tooth satisfier, as I ALWAYS need something sweet after dinner, always have. I think it's from when I quit smoking many years ago and replaced it with chocolate bars. Being prepared allows you to be ahead of the game. This is the MOST important thing you can do. The number one reason people go off track from eating a healthy diet is because they don't do this. You come home from school or work, tired as hell and you just want something that is fast and easy. Having those snacks on-hand will keep you from making bad choices when you are most vulnerable and want instant gratification. You will CONSTANTLY have something to eat, so you won't need to order chinese or eat a box of Oreos.

2. Cook in advance when possible. Crock pots are great - throw all your ingredients in and let it cook all day and you come home to a ready-to-eat dinner. Sometimes I prepare meals the night before, after I've eaten dinner and reheat them the next day, or just do the preparation the night before and cook it when I'm ready to eat. I hate cooking when I'm hungry. After I've eaten or on a lazy day, I like to make 4-5 Pita Pizzas and keep them in the fridge. I LOVE snacking on cold pizza, it's my favorite food. With ingredients like tomato paste, pesto, tons of chopped garlic and red onion, sliced turkey, tomatoes, a very, very small amount of cheese, hot sauce and pineapple, they're super healthy and easy to make, and I always have something ready when I'm fridge-surfing.

3. Do NOT buy junk food. Ok lots of people say this, but it's not so easy when you have a partner or maybe kids, who want it and demand it. I say I will not be buying it for my children if and when I ever have them, but I guess we'll see about that. BF has certain snacks that he likes, and I basically go into denial about it. I don't want to see it (so he hides it or keeps it high up in a cupboard I can't reach or don't use), I don't want to know about it and I flat out refuse to acknowledge it exists. It works for me. Gotta admit it is a bit of a challenge when he sits next to me on the couch mowing down brownies and ice cream, but I'm tough. I can take it. Or I just leave the room and go put on a sexy outfit that I couldn't fit into before and admire my progress. Some days I'll go to the 7-11 and buy an Aero 70% dark chocolate bar which satisfies my craving and is actually good for you - full of antioxidants such as flavenoids and can actually lower your blood pressure. I'm sure that's because I might blow my top if I don't have it, so it must relieve something.

4. When you do cook healthy, make large portions so you will have lots of leftovers to make other meals from. I am a big fan of doing this. Cooking a whole chicken, making chicken casserole, home-made chicken soup, sandwiches, whatever.Prepare your own food and you control the ingredients. If you make a large meal, again, divide it in half and eat it later. Be careful to hide it if you have a BF who loves to finish your food. Hands off buddy! I split a lot of my meals into 2 separate ones and eat them 2-2.5 hours apart. I feel a lot better being constantly at a comfortably full level as opposed to that "'sick, bloated and disgusting" state of overeating. We've all been there, and it sucks. Yet we seem to do it over and over. Defintion of insanity?

5. Drink water dammit - keep a Brita jug full, at least 2 bottles in your fridge and always have a glass by your side. I don't care if you "don't like the taste''. LOL whut? Water doesn't have a taste! It's not supposed to. Add some lemon/lime/oranges if you must, but it's your life's blood!Such wonders as Stronger Teeth and Bones, Clear and Vibrant Complexion, Regular Bowel and Urinary Functions and even, wow, Weight Loss can result from getting your 8-10 glasses a day. You know when your mom tells you to do something just cause? Well, that's what I'm doing.

6. Lead Us Not Into Temptation - it's all around us, really. Sometimes I feel like a social leper - I'm reluctant to go to certain places or parties if I know there will be a lot of junk food. I carry healthy snacks like nuts or an apple in my purse. I eat before I go out to dinner with friends. Going to the movies was a real struggle; trying to pass up the popcorn and chocolate covered raisins seemed futile, so I gave it up for a while. And drinking is the worst! After 2 Bud Light Limes I could easily eat my body weight in chicken wings and blue cheese dip. Alcohol not only lowers your inhibitions, it also annihilates your willpower. So drink with caution kids. And not until you're sure you can handle it. Handcuffs might work.

7. A final thing that was huge for me - work through your food issues. I find it fascinating the issues different people have and where they stem from; just trying to figure out what they are is an ordeal in itself, let alone understanding and altering them. When I was a kid, the atmosphere around my place was Eat it All and Eat it Now, because you won't get a second chance. Food was hoarded and not shared. I never had an eating disorder, per say, although this might sound like I did, but I would not eat for many hours, then I would gorge on whatever I could get my hands on. Most of my meals were at 3am, when no one was around and I could access the kitchen. I remember half-pound bacon sandwiches on white bread with a ton of Miracle Whip and going to bed with chest pains. I'd wake up the next day, eat nothing for 2-3 hours, maybe have a few pepsi and powdered jelly doughnuts, go out for a poutine or some fried chicken and taters, then spend the whole night eating potato chips, chocolate bars and candy, until I came home in the early am to eat ''dinner" which consisted of whatever was around, before crashing. I never had a weight problem, but I'm sure my body composition was 80% marshmallow. Anyhow, changing the way you look at food is crucial in understanding how we are susceptible to emotional eating and how we use it as a crutch. Letting it get out of hand can destroy you. The good news is you don't have to let it. Knowledge is power baby.